Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Merry Christmax, From Corpra Claus!

Message from Corpra Claus:

Merry Christmax! It's time to "max" out those credit cards! The War on Christmas rolls around faster each year, doesn't it? Instead of putting the "Christ" back in "Christmas", put the "MAX" back in "Christmax"!

Were you waiting in line on Black Friday for all the deals? I knew it! You were there! Did you pay in cash? Fuck cash! Max your credit cards! I hope you got a big, $3,000 flat screen TV! You're going to have to, anyway, some day soon! And don't worry about the new bi-partisan bankruptcy laws the Republicans & Democrats created on behalf of the credit card companies! That's part of the mortgage crisis they're not telling you! People are paying their credit cards instead of their mortgages because of the new laws! Who needs a house, anyway?

Buy some plastic lead-painted crap for your kids made in China! It'll be cheap because they're made in Chinese sweatshops for American companies where they're getting paid a nickel an hour, and they're passing on the savings to you! More to buy!

Make sure you put $50 of gas in your car and eat at McDonalds to save time! You don't want to waste any time!

Have you seen my Christmax commercials yet? I started running them Nov. 1st. Fuck Thanksgiving! There's nothing to buy for Thanksgiving, anyway! Did you see in my Christmax commercials, how much those kids wanted their parents to buy those toys for them? They were really happy when they got those toys. Those are good parents! Did you see how miserable those kids were, when they weren't sure their parents were going to buy them those toys? I wouldn't want to be them! Ho Ho Ho!

And did you see? On my Christmax commercials, how happy the wife was when she got a car with a big red bow on it? Or a diamond? Remember, show her your love her with a diamond! There's no other way! Remember before the husband bought his wife the gift on the commercial, how much she hated her husband? Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmax!

And you kids: did you see my special glossy Wal-Mart flyer in the Sunday papers? The one where you take stickers and stick them next to the top-12 Wal-Mart toys you want? Ho Ho Ho! You better use all 12 stickers, or Mommy & Daddy won't like you! But, shhhhhh.......don't tell Mommy & Daddy about this! It's between you and Corpra Claus! You won't get anything from me if you tell them! And kids, don't forget! Just give 'em the glossy Wal-Mart flyer with your top-12 stickers on the toys you want (12 of them, make sure!) or e-mail your "wish list" to the WHOLE FAMILY at!!! You're not stupid, you know how to use a computer, right? That's what Corpra Claus thought! Ho Ho Ho!

Mom & Dad? Don't be a cheapskate! Are you going to tell them you didn't get them all 12 toys from that glossy Wal-Mart flyer? I don't think they'll like that! Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmax!

Remember this guy on the right? Fuck him! He has nothing to do with Christmax! That's right, I started the War on Christmas, and he's the terrorist!

Don't think about the fact that 1 Christmax present = 1 tank of gas for your car. You're charging your Christmax presents on your credit cards! You're not paying for them! Save some cash just for gas and food to keep you charging...I mean shopping. Cash is only for gas, food, medical co-pays, medical deductibles, and the 30% of medical procedures and prescriptions not covered. And your astronomical health premiums are deducted right out of your paycheck! You don't have to worry about that!

You have college school loans for $100,000.00? Fuck 'em! Don't pay 'em! How are you going to buy Christmax presents, otherwise?

If I were you, I'd feel very guilty if I didn't charge everyone a great, big, expensive Christmax present! Or how about 2 or 3? I would feel "obliged" to do that. Don't forget what our president said when we were attacked on 9/11, he said to go out shopping! That's the best way to fight the terrorists! If you don't, people might think that you are a terrorist, and you wouldn't want people thinking that, would you?

Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmax! Corpra Claus loves you!
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