President Bush addressed the White House press Corps today after the resignation of his Chief Terrorist, Terror Chief Adm. Scott Redd. In an e-mail sent to his staff Wednesday afternoon, Redd, head of the National Counterterrorism Center (NCTC), said he was stepping down to "take care of some long-delayed surgery that I can no longer neglect...until I became the Terror Chief..."
After Comments, U.S. Terror Chief Resigns Citing Health Reasons
David Gregory: "Mr. President, 3 days ago your Terror Chief said the Iraq war has likely not made the United States safer from terrorism...and now he's resigning for health reasons. Was he pressured into resigning after making those statements?"
President Bush: "He has all the naysayers and evildoers believing he's having that streggery for health reasons. The truth is, he wasn't terrorin' enuff. He's the Chief Terrorist and he ain't terrorin' enuff. What good is a Chief Terrorist if he ain't terrorin'???"
John Roberts: "Mr. President, an email was sent to the Terror Chief's staff, notifying them of his resignation...
President Bush: "I know what an email is...I got the internets! And the emails!"
John Roberts: "...no, what I'm saying, is that he emailed his staff and not you, Terror Chief Redd..."
President Bush: "Terror chief red...why are you talkin' like an injun??? Are you saying he's red or he read somethin'? I don't understand a word you just said! Speak English, are you one a those illegal aliens? We have to win the "War of Terror"...heh...heh...heh... Can someone else axe a question? You...over there..."
Helen Thomas: "Mr. President, with your low approval rating, the Iraq War not going well, and a Democratic congress, the American people feel you've spent your capital and are a lame duck president. Your response to that?"
President Bush: "I won the selection by a lamslide and Dick Cheney told me I still have credit on my Capital One card. I said I'm 'The Terrorer', and I'm still "The Terrorer'. Everything changed since 9/11, and the Demmycrats are askin' for another hellocaust if they don't stop apleasing the terrorists. If the terrorists blow off a noo-key-lore weapon and kill another bunch of people, those people will be glad I'm 'The Terrorer'. Heh heh heh..."
Terry Moran: "Why are you addressing the White House Press Corps, and not press secretary Ms. Perino?"
President Bush: "Mrs. Palomino is havin' streggery, too, that's what they told me. Heh heh heh... She's a dish, isn't she? A lot more purty than Tony Snow. Tony Snow's havin' streggery, too! He has the cancers. And his hair turned gray, did you see that? Heh heh heh... They keep gettin' purtier. Scotty McLellan was purtier than Ari Fleischer, and Tony Snow was purtier than Scotty McLellan. Tony Snow had a big forehead...HUGE!...did anyone notice that??? And that was before the cancers! That 'Agony of Defeat' guy could ski down that forehead! Remember that guy? We keep switchin' press sekkertaries. They keep gittin' sick! Actually, I heard Ari Fleischer is in that Freedom's Death Watch group, or somethin' like that. Heh heh heh..."
Jeff Gannon: "Mr. President, we all know that you're still 'The Terrorer' and the American people need you to keep terrorin', and the economy would crash if the Democrats held the executive office, and the terrorists would've hit us hard if Kerry won the 2004 election, and you are the terror president we need for the "War on Terror", and we should trust everything you say, and we're in good hands with you as president, and...well here's my question: Knowing that the American people should just trust everything you say and do, how will you lead the world to even greater heights in the 'War on Terror'???"
President Bush: "Hey, Jeff! Still askin' me softball questions, eh??? Heh...heh...heh... I thought they kicked you outta here...some gay prostitute website ring or somethin'..."
Jeff Gannon: "Oh, GOD!!!" (Gannon runs out of the WHPC briefing...)
President Bush: "Where'd Jeff go? I didn't answer his question yet! Well, anyway, I think I'm sayin' that I'm still 'The Terrorer' and we're turning the corner in my 'War of Terror'...and we're accomplishin' the terror mission...and I'm still 'The Terrorer'. If I keep saying 'terror' enough, I'll keep everyone shitting their pants, while we keep ruining America and trashing the constitution and funnelling huge war profits to my family and friends. Did I just say last sentence out loud? I meant to only think it...IS THE MICROPHONE STILL ON??? Heh...heh...heh..."
