Surprise; Shock...as GOP Sen. Brownback Pulls Out Of '08 Presidential Bid

'08 GOP candidates expressed "surprise" and "shock" at GOP Senator Sam Brownback's announcement of abandoning his presidential bid. The Senator's announcement was held in front of a crowd of 7, including his wife Mary and 5 children. No one knew who the other guy was, but he's been following Brownback around even before he was running for president, and Brownback is in the process of acquiring a stalking restraining order against him.

Rudy Giuliani: "I'm surprised at Sam's announcement. I didn't know he was running for president! Was he in the debates with us?"

Mitt Romney: "I'm shocked! Brownback was running for president? I didn't know that! I bet he was that guy always at the end podium in the debates! I was wondering who that was!"

John McCain: "Who's Sam Brownback??? Is he a Republican???"

Ron Paul: "I was right! I was telling someone the other day, that there was someone running named "Brown-something"...

Mike Huckabee: "Good! I'll be the only GOP candidate with a weird last name! Voters were saying, "I'm voting for that Republican with the weird last name", and I never knew if they were talking about me or Brownback!"

Senator Brownback stated that the reason for his pulling out of the race was due to lack of campaign funds. His campaign has raised $127.10 so far...and used $55 of it: $20 for his taxi ride to his campaign pull-out announcement and $35 to rent the podium from which he made the announcement.

In a recent CNN poll of likely Republican voters, Brownback finished with 0%...finishing behind perennial write-in "joke" candidate Gary Coleman with 3%. The stalker claims he is a "huge Sam Brownback fan", and voted for him in the CNN poll...and was extremely disappointed at Brownback's announcement.

Religious 1-2 Punch Help Red Sox Force Game 7

After being down 3 games to 1 in their best-of-seven series with the Cleveland Indians, the Boston Red Sox trounced the Indians 12-2 and tied the series 3-3, thanks to the Lord and Kevin Youkilis; one of only three Jewish players in baseball.

Winning pitcher Curt Shilling, in a post game interview, thanked "the Lord" for helping him pitch 7 strong innings, giving up only 2 runs.

Schilling: "I thank the Lord for the win, and forcing a game 7."

Reporter: "Does the Lord hate the Cleveland Indians?"

Schilling: "I'm just thanking the Lord for the victory."

Reporter: "What about the Cleveland Indians. Did the Lord want them to lose?"

Schilling: "Well, no one's ever asked me that question before after I've thanked the Lord, but I guess I'm forced to say...'YES', the Lord must hate the Cleveland Indians. Or they would've won, right? I never thought about that!"

Reporter: "Why did the Lord make you lose 3 of the first 4 games?" (Schilling walks away from reporter)

Cleveland Indians starting pitcher Fausto Carmona gave up a 2-out grand slam to the Red Sox J.D. Drew in the first inning.

Carmona: "I loaded the bases with no outs, then got out the next two batters. I thought I was going to get out of the inning without any runs...if Jesus didn't make me give up that grand slam to J.D. Drew!"

Youkilis, also known as the "Greek God of Walks" for drawing a tremendous amount of walks, was in the middle of controversy every time he was on base. He smacked a ball off of Fenway Park's "Green Monster" left field wall and knocked in a run, but was caught in a run-down between first and second base. During the run-down, Youkilis head-butted the ball from the Indian players throwing the ball back and forth, and slid back into first base and was called safe. Head-butting the baseball is illegal; Youkilis has denied the allegations, claiming the Cleveland secondbaseman "purposely" hit him in the head with the ball. The Youkilis head-butt of the baseball was a key play in keeping the Red Sox 6-run 3rd inning alive.

Huge Red Sox fan Dennis Leary told Jon Stewart on the Daily Show that Youkilis was a "sneaky ballplayer" and "walked a lot...no reflection on your people."

"Please, God, Don't Let The Republicans Have Enough Votes To Stop the House from Overriding Bush's SCHIP Veto"