Trump Asks Sarah Palin To Reconsider Endorsing Him, And Please Endorse Ted Cruz Instead
(Riffing off my satirical 2008 Obama-Kerry endorsement post)
AN OPEN LETTER BY DONALD TRUMP TO SARAH PALIN PUBLISHED IN THE NYTIMES "news"PAPER:
This is an open letter PLEA for you to please switch your endorsement to Ted Cruz.
Dear Sarah, they finally found a way to have my poll numbers drop: having YOU endorse me. I don't know who on my staff thought it was a good idea for me to stand next to you while you babbled a BIZARRE, INCOHERENT "endorsement" of me, but when I find out who they are, they are FIRED!!! I think it was an inside job, because anyone doing any kind of due diligence could google how NUTTY you and your family are. Your daughter preaches abstinence, yet had two kids out of wedlock. And your son was just arrested for beating his girlfriend . I did not know this because I am above researching anything, I pay people a lot of money to do that for me. I thought I could trust my campaign staff, that is why I stood beside you with a dazed look on my face as your incoherent "endorsement" unfolded. That is the look of slowly realizing how SCREWED I was.
Looking back, the only way I could've saved my campaign would've been to grab the microphone off you and said, "GET THE F*CK OUT OF HERE YOU IDIOT!!!". But as it turned out, I did the worst thing possible: I stood next to you and pretended it wasn't happening and occasionally smiled and pretended I knew what you were saying, but in reality you were giving me a good SCHLONGING. This whole thing destroyed my authoritative image, so I had to change the headlines asap by saying that even if I shot someone, my poll numbers wouldn't go down. Originally, I said "I SHOULD'VE SHOT SARAH PALIN", but my new campaign staffers said it was a better idea to say I would shoot "someone".
Thanks in advance for switching your endorsement from me to Ted Cruz.
yours truly,
Donald Trump
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